To You
I am sorry.
The light I was supposed to bring, has been snuffed out over time and pain. Your sacrifices, your lessons and your example seem to have faded away into this poor vessel of nothingness. I’m sorry, because I never became the best version of myself. Perhaps you dreamt of me as the paragon of success, with friends and a family of my own, and with a positive outlook that propelled me forward in life. But now, all you can see is a broken person, distrusting of the world and tired, so tired, of life. I tried, and while at times I fought against the expectations you respectfully kept to yourself, in the end I did my best to become the light of your eyes. But I’ve failed. I’ve become knowledgeable, talented and I can be counted upon, but I am lifeless. There is no hope for me. I’ve left my old friends, my old passions, and submitted myself to my work, all in the hopes of being that prince. Physically, I’ve done so much, I’ve achieved things that you couldn’t, and it’s all thanks to you. But the light? The spirit to move forward with confidence? It’s all gone. In my head, all I can think of is how soon I can finally rest. I only want to sleep, forever. But I don’t want to hurt you. It’s bad enough that you have to settle with what I have to offer, I wouldn’t dare do something more to you, not willingly.
I am thankful to you, and I’m sorry that I could never be the person that you truly deserve. You have done so much for me, more than required. You have loved me, regardless of my indifference and my constant failures. You have been present in some of my victories, but you have always been there in my darkest times. You have no idea how much I love you, and how much I fear hurting you. How am I supposed to feel? What am I supposed to do? As much as I try and pretend that today will be the day I make you proud, my head tells me the truth: that I’m not there yet, that I won’t ever get there.
Perhaps I am being too harsh with myself, setting up impossible standards so that I can be the best person you’ve ever met. Part of me is completely sure that you wouldn’t want me to do this to myself, but there’s the other part that also knows how kind and enabling you are with my health. Sadly, I have not learned how to be everything that you ever needed without sacrificing my sanity. I don’t know how you did it. All I know is that you did. You became my unconditional protector, and my number one fan, even when I lost my way or failed to measure up to everyone else’s standards. You did all this while fighting for your survival, just like I am struggling to do now. How? And more importantly, why? Why would you go through these lengths just to preserve something as meaningless, empty and weak as me? The world is filled with amazing beings that could show you better things, make you feel alive and unburdened, free. Yet you’re here, keeping me in your thoughts, when I don’t even deserve that. Why do you insist when I have nothing to offer but disappointment and embarrassment? Why?
Whatever the reason, I am sorry.
